


Control

by TheXWoman



Category: Ashes to Ashes
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Gen, POV First Person, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-15
Updated: 2010-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 12:49:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5929069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXWoman/pseuds/TheXWoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a moment when I was completely in control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> Challenge: What do you command?

I've lost control.

This world – this creation of my own mind (if that's really what it is, I can't even be sure now) – but this world, this world I live in now, it's as if all within it is completely beyond my grasp. I thought this was about staying in control. Staying in command. Having a rule over my subconscious. All of that was to keep me afloat. All of that was to keep me alive.

I saved Shaz, so I was sure, absolutely sure I could save my parents. There was a moment when I was completely in control. That one moment when it all became clear, and I knew I was here to save them.

And I was wrong. So wrong. So completely out of control.

This is supposed to be my world. My creation, my constructs, my rules. And, yet, they always surprise me, constantly. Gene Hunt, my constant. My ally or my foe? He seems so sure, so in command of everything until, sometimes, when I look into his eyes and I see something else there. Hopelessness. My hopelessness.

Chris, Summers, my father. Are they all men of my making, some sort of facet of my subconscious, some ridiculous fear of betrayal to remind me I can't even govern my own thoughts?

Why would I create a world and then not have it follow my own bloody rules?

Just when I thought I was in command of it all, finally grasping it, it all fell apart again. I can't... God, why can't get back in control? I have to get home, and I can't do that, not when it all keeps slipping from my hold.

Things just seem wrong. I wish I could tell someone, I wish Gene had believed me but... Now I've lost him, too.

I think I'm in this alone, now, Molly. But I can't give up. Remember, I won't give up.


End file.
